Bully Boss Blues: Coping and Conquering
During my corporate years I’ve crossed paths with a couple of bullying bosses myself. At the time I found it very difficult, in hindsight it was a good learning experience. One of them was not always able to control his emotions. When he came under pressure, he lost it a couple of times… and started to take it out on me. He didn’t look in the mirror and started raising his voice and lost his temper. You could see in his eyes that anger took over. And although bosses come and go in corporate life, this was not easy. It made me feel vulnerable and it depleted my energy. Many of us have had bosses who bullied us somewhere during our career.
I wish the solution to managing a difficult boss is easy, but there is no simple approach to this. So, what can you control? Let’s start there.
- Stick to the facts. So, share your experience with two people that you completely trust. That have no personal interest and can be objective. Ask for their feedback. Make sure things are treated confidentially. Questions to ask: what I experience, is this really bullying? How bad do you think this is on a 1-10 scale? Is this behavior crossing a line or are these small things that I should learn to accept? Should I toughen up a bit? What do you advise me to do? You want to check this with two others because it’s not effective to get completely carried away by your own emotions. The most effective approach for the short term is to delay your response when the bullying happens. Keep your response factual. Say that you will continue the conversation when somebody has calmed down.
- Be a bit of a psychologist. Put yourself in the shoes of your bullying boss. Is this behavior really against you personally? Or do other people get the same treatment? Zoom out and understand where someone is coming from. See the bigger picture. Is this something that happens more in this company? Did your boss perhaps get pressurized by his boss? What is your boss afraid of? Nobody is only good or bad. Continue to see the whole person and see the context.
- Discuss how your boss makes you feel directly with your boss. I know from personal experience how powerful this can be. It takes a bit of courage to start this conversation, but I’ve done it myself and have witnessed more than once how this completely turned around a difficult situation. And if it doesn’t work out, it is still healing. At least you’ve tried it.
- Did you look in the mirror? Most of us find it easier to see mistakes in others, but difficult to look deep into the mirror and address our own development areas.
- Know your rights. If your boss is crossing lines, it’s simpler. Start by checking with two other people -who are independent thinkers and who can judge your situation- if they agree with you. Document and report the facts to Human Resources.
Bosses are critical for our development opportunities and the happiness that we experience from work. How we feel can be hugely influenced when we’re working with a great boss. So, if it really doesn’t work for you, you’ve tried what is within your control, move on. Life is too short to spend working with bosses that make you feel miserable for a long time.
Take good care of yourself. Maintain a healthy work – life balance. Exercise, spend time with your loved ones and invest in a hobby.
Hope this inspires.
Paul Donkers
Paul P.J. Donkers is a sought-after global business coach and management consultant. More about his work and projects can be found via www.tencompany.org and via www.ikigaicoachinginstitute.com
Paul and his partners work since decades with leaders to assist them create more value. If you want to have a confidential conversation, just reach out to us via This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
